Thursday, May 13, 2010

Discouragement and Hope

Its been quite a week. While I've tried to maintain the "positive energy" around our house, the discouragement and emotions I feel about Maguire are very near the surface and sometimes can't help but come out.

There are times when Maguire seems to be happy. I'll look at him and see that spark in his eyes and a smile and feel that he's okay. But then there are other times that I'm looking for something from him, a sign that all is well and from him, I get nothing.

Despite this I try very hard to have hope and look for the positive...

Maguire is not able to stand or walk on his own...Maybe it will just takes some more time for the medications to work.

Despite being such a chow-hound he's not got much of an appetite...Maybe it's just the medications taking away Maguire's love for a meal.

Walking him with the rear-end-sling is really difficult and he almost always collapse onto the ground. I even borrowed a wheelchair for him thinking that would help, and he again tumbled into a heap...Maybe walking with the sling is too much weight shifted to his front-legs and maybe he needs time to get used to the wheelchair.

So what does all this mean? Am I grasping at straws and not seeing what some of you may see so clearly? Right now there's so much uncertainty and the seeds of doubt easily arise about where our journey together is going and I wonder if we are on the right path. There's a huge part of me that's so desperately hanging onto Maguire and doesn't want to let him go, and I wonder if it's time and I should.

But then I remember that when it's time to decide anything the storms of doubt in my heart will be replaced with peace and the answers as to the direction to take will be clear. But for tonight there's no need to think about any of that. Maguire is sleeping near by and we're together; there is calm.

A Peony and an Iris bloomed for the first time today...Where flowers bloom so does hope.


28 comments:

Sharon said...

Oh, Kim, I am so sorry that Maquire is having such problems. What does the vet say?

Is it arthritis, how old is he?

Sometimes they are tougher than we think. I have been wondering how he was doing.

Rest now.

XXX

Khyra The Siberian Husky And Sometimes Her Mom said...

Your second to the last paragraph says so much...

Trust your heart and your eyes...

Thanks for sharing the beautiful flowers...

Petsitgal said...

Kim...I'm so glad you think positively about your rescues even though it is hard to do sometimes. I think Macquire is lucky to have you b/c you are waiting to see how he heals instead of rushing to a conclusion. I admire you for waiting it out rather than rushing to a conclusion.

Toni aka irishlas said...

Oh Kim, I'm just catching up on posts and I'm so sorry to hear about Maguire.
Sending loads of positive energy and healing your way for both of you.

mimi said...

Oh Kim--You and Maguire continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I believe that Maguire will help you to make whatever decision you need to make. They have a way of letting us know what to do. I will pray that as he rests tonight that the medication will take hold and that he will make a speedy recovery. I really admire you for giving these dogs so much love. You give them your whole heart knowing that the time with them may be limited. You truly are a special person. I look forward to a happy update :)
xoxo
Mimi~

Sugar the Golden Retriever said...

Woof! Woof! Just hang in there. Maguire needs your strength. Will continue to send my Golden Healing Thoughts. Sending you also lots of my Golden Hugs. Lots of Golden Woofs, Sugar

A Brit in Tennessee said...

You will know when it's time, I'm hoping you don't have to make that decision, and Maguire will get his second wind...
My thoughts and prayers are with you, and for now, just enjoy the closeness.
Beautiful flowers, a little welcomed distraction .
Hugs,
Jo

Carolyn said...

As hope blooms eternal, so does love. And I all I can hope is that love gives you the strength to make the right decision for Maguire.

My thoughts are with you.

Best.

-C

MAXMOM said...

Dear Kim

Thank you for your honest and candid blogpost!

In a strange way you give me strength and hope...you see, from the sounds of it, Macquire seems in a far worse off place than our Max. I know that's not easy for you to hear, but what I'm trying to say is that your experience and current mindset shows a path for me...for today! Thank you so much for sharing what I know is personal and agonising!

I have always believed that by sharing one's reality one serves to help others in similar situations. You are proof of that!

But I need to encourage YOU!...

I know its agonising, but the only thing I can do for you is to stand by you, encourage you and allow you to make the decision yourself!

Hang in there Kim. I know you will do what's best for your dear Macquire so that both of you will be a peace.

Sending lotsaluv to you.
MAXMOM IN SOUTH AFRICA

bellaboo said...

I do so understand the emotional turmoil you feel with Maguire.I went through the same with our beloved first golden.At 16 yrs we had to make the decision.She was not able to walk in the end..and we knew that the time had come,when we had to carry her out to do her business.It was heartbreaking...yes..but we knew that it was the kindest thing.She just didn't have any quality of life and we realised it wasn't right to prolong her life any longer.I think you know in your heart what you must do.Maybe that time is coming and you have to be very strong.I am so sorry..it is one of the most painful things we have to do.

Bellaboo xox

Angus said...

We've been replaying things a lot recently. More than ever we sure that you'll know without doubt when the time comes. But boy is it exhausting coping with the highs and lows. You're so much in our thoughts right now.

Menopausal musing said...

Just playing "catchup" with your blog and I could weep for what you are going through.....

The Rocky Creek Scotties said...

Bless your heart, Kim. I don't know how you do it - it must be heart-wrenching to see this right on the heels of loosing your beloved Cowboy. My thoughts and prayers cover you.

(((HUGS)))
Lynn

MySpecialDoggies said...

Kim
You & Maguire are in my thoughts & prayers. I'm going through a similar situation with my rescue Apples - she's 15+ years old, is suffering from malignant mammary cancer, needs help to get up & move around - but I know it isn't time yet - her eyes are too bright & shiny.

Maguire will tell you when it's time for you to let go - enjoy him now & every moment.

Best wishes,
Nadine
Hugs & licks from Apples & Neeli

Sheila and Bob said...

Kim;
We understand so well, your emotions, doubt, what ifs that come when one of our Golden's are ill.
We have been their so many times and we have always believed that the decision will be made for you by them.
Their is no right or wrong, you heart will tell you and so will Maguire. You are doing everything you can, giving love, support and comfort to Maguire.
Though you can not seen any of us, we are all with you, giving you support and love.
God Bless you and Maguire.

Sheila & Bob,
Mom & Dad to
Hamish & Rescue Sophie

Samantha said...

Dear Kim,
So sorry to hear that Maguire is still not doing so well. I, too, admire your forthrightness in letting your thoughts spill onto page so beautifully. You are such a wonderful dog mom to so many dogs - I know Maguire will "speak" to you about what to do, and we know your vet and family will help too. And the blogging world will always try to help! Give Maguire loving pats and licks from me, Sammie! The flowers are stunningly beautiful!

Big Hugs xoxoxoxo
Sammie and Mom

Smiffy's Blog said...

Oh Kim, poor Maguire. I hope things improve for him soon. If you do need to intervene I'm sure you'll know in your heart when the time is right hun. Big hugs coming your way. ((( ))) Sue x

Aksharaa said...

Oh! Kim, we are really sorry about Maguire. But u have said it yourself-u will know with a deep peace in ur heart when the time comes. if u donot feel that,it isn't time yet.
we know u are doing all that is possible.
we pray for Maguire n hope he recovers soon
with lots of love,
Ginger, Buddy n Family

KT and Lady said...

Hi Kim, as sorry as I am that Maguire is doing poorly, I can't help but know that you are tuned into your fur-kids and will know when his quality of life gets to the point where it is time for the last and kindest mercy. Here's hoping Maguire turns the corner and recovers to his old chow hound self. Be strong for your pack (I know its hard). You are in our thoughts every day.

KT and Lady

#### & ####

Canyon Girl said...

i'm so sorry about maguire. love will make you do the right thing if needed and also give you the strength. -- inger

Tweedles -- that's me said...

Dear Kim
I know you are waiting and hoping for a miracle. I wish one would happen.
My words are empty, because I know your heart is breaking.
I am bringing you both a warm blanket and a nice warm bowl of soup. Close your eyes and know we love you all
love
tweedles

bad penny said...

We are both going through the same dilemma - poor Maguire.
I have made an app for Sam on Monday- will let you know what we decide to do. Thank you for your support. You must have gone through this situstion so many times but different with each dog. xx

Gill - That British Woman said...

at the end of the day, the decision is out of our hands and in God's. Saying a prayer for you all.

Gill in Canada

Sam said...

Maguire will let you know when it is time - and it will be loud and clear to you without question. The medicine is probably wearing on him. Have you tried making him a little ground beef and rice?

We are thinking of you, and sending you lots of hugs and prayers. Please give Maguire a hug for us!

Sam - (...and Aaron and Christine!)

Callie said...

Kim, I'm in hopes like everyone that the meds will kick in and Maguire will regain the use of his legs. Trust yourself. You will know the right thing to do when the time comes. We must have hope.

1000 Goldens said...

We sincerely hope that your heart receives a clear message, or that Maguire will help you know what to do. We are praying for this sweet old soul and his loving care takers :(

LUCKY LUKE said...

You and Maguire will decide together, and there will be much celebration... for all you have shared. Continue to stay present, and Maguire will let you know when it is time.

wif much empaffy, many tears, lots of knowin and understandin and also love from the Luke and his the Mom

Anonymous said...

First, Cowboy, and now having to possibly make this decision about Maquire. I do agree with you, that you will have peace about you if you have to make that choice. Just so sorry, that you and Maquire are in this position. Sweet boy and sweet Momma.
Much love,
Sophie's Mom