I know that it's natural that it has been a sad week for me as I've come to accept the loss of Tanner--Times filled with the realization that I'll never see him sleeping in the hallway, hear his 'woof's' as I get dinner ready, keeping track of him when we're all out for a walk, picking up his medications from the pharmacy...In the quiet times filled with grief, I've been comforted by the very kind thoughtful, encouraging e-mails and comments left by you on my blog, yours and others on Facebook. Thank-you doesn't seem like enough as I've read and re-read them several times, feeling your friendship and support.
Through it all, I've looked for that sign that everything was okay. That Tanner was okay. I've waited and watched and hoped that I would know it when and if it came...On Monday evening I was fixing dinner for the dogs, and as I was lost in a moment of silence and sadness, outside I heard a single goose honking as it flew over the house...The next morning I saw a fox pouncing and playing in the field. When I stopped and watched it, it also stopped and looked at me...Then there was the cardinal singing so loud and beautifully at the end of the day, was that the sign? I thought maybe it was a single daffodil that is blooming...Then again, maybe the sign came from Wendy, who always came in right before Tanner after our walks. On Tuesday as I was getting everyone inside, I was thinking of him and Wendy hesitated and stared at me for a moment, cocked her head, barked twice, then went up the steps. Then on my commute this week the words of a song from 1984 that I've heard 3 times on the radio says,
"After my picture fades and darkness has turned to gray
Watching through windows you're wondering if I'm okay.
Secrets stolen from deep inside, the drum beats out of time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me, time after time..."
Could that have been it? Is all of this 'the sign' telling me that Tanner is okay? Finally, today when Carl and I had all the dogs outside this afternoon, we took a walk up to the field in back of our house. I marveled at what a warm, beautiful spring day it was. In the distance across the field at the edge of the pond was a blonde Golden Retriever. It was unusual to see a dog because we typically don't see other dogs--However the people on the other side of the field have them too. But I became caught up in the beauty of the moment and how stunning the golden looked as it stood there peacefully sniffing the air. The thought again crossed my mind about Tanner and the hope that he was okay...I continued to watch the golden as it explored...Then I realized the dog that I was watching was actually our girl Rudi...She'd taken a moment and wandered off...That little sneak...Back to reality, home and our life that goes on without Tanner, but with good memories of him that cannot be taken away.