Thursday, March 17, 2011

From Darkness to Gray to Light


I know that it's natural that it has been a sad week for me as I've come to accept the loss of Tanner--Times filled with the realization that I'll never see him sleeping in the hallway, hear his 'woof's' as I get dinner ready, keeping track of him when we're all out for a walk, picking up his medications from the pharmacy...In the quiet times filled with grief, I've been comforted by the very kind thoughtful, encouraging e-mails and comments left by you on my blog, yours and others on Facebook.  Thank-you doesn't seem like enough as I've read and re-read them several times, feeling your friendship and support. 

Through it all, I've looked for that sign that everything was okay.  That Tanner was okay.  I've waited and watched and hoped that I would know it when and if it came...On Monday evening I was fixing dinner for the dogs, and as I was lost in a moment of silence and sadness, outside I heard a single goose honking as it flew over the house...The next morning I saw a fox pouncing and playing in the field.  When I stopped and watched it, it also stopped and looked at me...Then there was the cardinal singing so loud and beautifully at the end of the day, was that the sign?  I thought maybe it was a single daffodil that is blooming...Then again, maybe the sign came from Wendy, who always came in right before Tanner after our walks.  On Tuesday as I was getting everyone inside, I was thinking of him and Wendy hesitated and stared at me for a moment, cocked her head, barked twice, then went up the steps. Then on my commute this week the words of a song from 1984 that I've heard 3 times on the radio says, 
 "After my picture fades and darkness has turned to gray
Watching through windows you're wondering if I'm okay.
Secrets stolen from deep inside, the drum beats out of time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me, time after time..."

Could that have been it?  Is all of this 'the sign' telling me that Tanner is okay?  Finally, today when Carl and I had all the dogs outside this afternoon, we took a walk up to the field in back of our house.  I marveled at what a warm, beautiful spring day it was.  In the distance across the field at the edge of the pond was a blonde Golden Retriever.  It was unusual to see a dog because we typically don't see other dogs--However the people on the other side of the field have them too.  But I became caught up in the beauty of the moment and how stunning the golden looked as it stood there peacefully sniffing the air.  The thought again crossed my mind about Tanner and the hope that he was okay...I continued to watch the golden as it explored...Then I realized the dog that I was watching was actually our girl Rudi...She'd taken a moment and wandered off...That little sneak...Back to reality, home and our life that goes on without Tanner, but with good memories of him that cannot be taken away.   

45 comments:

  1. Kim, In a way I feel they are all signs, Tanner is happy knows he was truly loved,and will wait to see you again.

    Sheila & Bob

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  2. We hope you remember Tanner often and fondly, it is the way we keep our lost ones near.

    We always notice that for a few days after we lose someone, the other members of the pack also mourn. They too miss their friend. When the pack is back to full activity level, then it is time for you to do the same.

    Mogley G. Retriever

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  3. I would say those are all signs. Little happenings that are reassuring you that Tanner has made it to Rainbow Bridge, and not to worry, he is once again whole.
    The honking of the goose, a little fanfare announcing his arrival.
    It will take some getting used to his presence no longer there, yet he is at your side, and will continue to remind you.
    Hugs,
    Jo

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  4. I often get the feeling that one of my past dogs is next to me... dancing along side me. Or, I see a yellow lab's face and my S's sweet eyes light up in my mind. When a bluebird follows along with me on my bike, I always think of my Acadia. They never really leave us - they live on in our hearts.

    Tanner is okay - he had you watching over him for the best years of his life and now he is watching over your heart.

    I've been thinking of you.

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  5. You're in our thoughts and prayers. Such a difficult time.

    You may have heard this before but I always find comfort in it during times like these:

    "If you are true to the love of one you cherished through the many joy-filled years, you may find that a soul - a bit smaller in size than your own - seems to walk with you, at times, during the lonely days to come. And at moments when you least expect anything out of the ordinary to happen, you may feel something brush against your leg - very, very lightly."

    Jill (Zona's mom)

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  6. It takes time to get over the loss.

    I hope the nicer weather and new life springing up around you will help to ease your aching heart. :)

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  7. Tanner is there, with you, in your heart, in your mind's eye and in your memories. When you dream of him, and you most likely will, your heart will be eased. He is home.

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  8. They're all signs. Losing a dog is hard. They give us so much unconditional love (and headaches!). Each one has his/her special brand of love and we miss each of them differently.

    I still, seven years later, tear up when of I think of my beloved Buddy. He was such a good boy.

    But now I have different love. I liken it to losing someone you love - you miss them for different reasons.

    Hang tough, love the memories you have and know that Tanner is quite alright. He's with Buddy.

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  9. You always bring tears to my eyes. Sweet Tanner. {{hugs}}

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  10. Those are signs Kim. I know they are, and Tanner is ok.

    Here are some words that I wrote.
    The time is now- to share them.

    "Listen for my words
    when you heart is aching
    I am here
    Listen for my words
    when the wind is whispering
    I am here
    Feel me
    as the tears runs down your cheek
    I am here
    Look for me
    when the clouds above you sail
    I am here
    Remember
    that now I live in your heart,
    I am here
    I am with you always
    you must believe me
    look for me,
    trust
    that I am with you"
    love
    tweedles

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  11. Oh Kim, I know those signs are Tanner. It’s interesting to read this today as my husband has been reading this book about a 4 year old who died for a brief period and came back to life and tells his story of visiting Heaven. The book will stop your breath as it is an amazing story but one thing he said meant so much to me--he saw dogs in heaven. I always knew they were there but it was good to hear it from this little fella :)
    Hugs my friend,
    Amy

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  12. It's amazing the void they leave behind. We really miss the furry little guys and gals. Evidently Tanner had a good life and left you lots of happy memories.

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  13. The sweet thing is that you can feel Tanner, even if only in spirit.

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  14. I am so sorry for your loss. Tannes is OK, he's been telling you that in so many different ways.

    I really shouldn't have read this at work... my co-workers might get worried what is wrong with me!

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  15. I am so sorry for your loss. Tannes is OK, he's been telling you that in so many different ways.

    I really shouldn't have read this at work... my co-workers might get worried what is wrong with me!

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  16. I am so sorry for your loss. Tannes is OK, he's been telling you that in so many different ways.

    I really shouldn't have read this at work... my co-workers might get worried what is wrong with me!

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  17. Oh, Kim! So very sorry to learn that Tanner is gone. Losing a loved one is like getting a piece of shrapnel in the heart. The wound heals eventually, but the scar tissue is always there. Tanner had the comfort of being loved and cared for at the end of his life by you and Carl and the rest of his pack, and that was a great blessing. He is absolutely settling in to Heaven, carousing with your other dogs and patiently waiting. It helps mama to imagine that she can stretch her arms forever and just surround all her babies in Heaven in one huge, continuous hug. We'll send a hug for Tanner - and for you, too.

    Jed & Abby

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  18. Tanner will live in your heart forever... and surely these signs mean he is well now. Something tells me that your group are at the Rainbow Bridge at this very moment sharing memories of their time spent with you and Carl and awaiting the reunion that will take place one day.

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  19. Memories are the stuff that life is made of - an old dog, a new puppy, a sweet love. May you always have them.

    xo
    Lynn

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  20. Oh Kim, what a beautiful post!

    I am sure that many of us share these experiences -uniquely personal moments, which define the relationship we had with our special, departed doggies.

    In my case, the experience is extremely uncanny...

    Max's soul arrives (often) through Toby. Although Toby is his own personality, it's some of his mannerisms and those moments when he looks at me, when I realise that Max lives on...in Toby.

    Whatever way it happens, the void that these special animals leave behind is filled - in 'their' own, special way.

    I am sure that Tanner is doing this too.

    Thank you for sharing some of the pain which we all feel.

    Sending lotsaluv
    MAXMOM IN SOUTH AFRICA

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  21. i would take those all as signs....the pain of losing such a wonderful companion, is so difficult...i feel your pain...i still think of all mine that have crossed the rainbow bridge...Tanner, and all the others are free of pain, disease, old age...and running free!
    xoxo

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  22. They sound like happy memories of Tanner, and those are the kind that stay in your heart forever...

    Sam

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  23. I think there are always signs all around us ~ we just have to look for them.

    Sending extra love your way today Kim!
    xo Catherine

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  24. Hi Kim, I saw your sweet Tanner's face in the sidebar of another blog, so I came on over. I am so sorry. We lost our Clifford a week and a day ago. It's hard.

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  25. I know those are signs Kim because I have had many faithful friends bring me similar gifts to ease my heart and let me know that they will continue to walk with me until the end of my journey.
    Where Tanner abides is a place of such joy and beauty and faithful heart wishes to share some of that joy and beauty with you.
    You know he is there with you, don't doubt, accept the gift he places at your feet....
    My thoughts, prayers and love are with you!
    Tina xo

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  26. I feel a group hug coming. So sorry for your big loss. Tanner was such a favorite of many of your readers, he will be greatly missed.

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  27. I feel my Bentley, Monty and Lucy around me so much of the time. They reside in my memory and my heart now and help me thru the tough times.

    We held a howl for Tanner and there are a couple pictures on the blog a few days back.
    Sue

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  28. Tanner may not be there physically but he's there in spirit. That's one of my favourite songs, Time After Time. It's a very beautiful song. Absolutely beautiful post, Kim. It made me tear up. Hugs.

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  29. Dear Tanner was such a beautiful old soul that yes, he is in all of things you have described so movingly.

    Sending a hug with love,

    Jo
    xxx

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  30. Tanner has definitely been sending you signs all week. Don't worry, he is fine :o)

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  31. Kim,
    I think if all of those moments force you to think about Tanner, then they are all 'signs' that life continues and to know in your heart of hearts that Tannier is absolutely wonderful; healthy, stunningly beautiful and full of life.
    I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers as the sadness permeates your soul and remains in your heart in the form of memories.

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  32. Dear Kim,

    I'm so sorry to read about Tanner going to the rainbow bridge, but Tanner will always be with you - just in a different way - through years of smiles and time he spent with you and your family (creating wonderful memories) he has also etched his way into your heart which is now where he will always be whenever you think of him.

    Thinking of you,
    Love
    Riley's mum

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  33. Kim, I believe we do receive signs. I wholeheartedly believe it. Tanner is sending more than one sign, it seems. I had the same thoughts after losing Nick. I'll never forget that day. I wanted to share it with you.
    http://kbl2ord2san2luv.blogspot.com/2007/07/i-think-nick-sent-me-rainbow.html

    Nick only sent me that one sign, but Achilles has sent me multiple. It is their way of being "Golden" even after death, because they always want to be with us.

    Hugs to you, my Golden friend.

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  34. Dear Kim, My heart goes out to you; I know that your pain will ease in the coming months but you will always hold Tanner in that special place. Hugs to you today dear one.
    xxxNoreen

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  35. After my dad passed away last year I took his dog home with me and have found much comfort having him around. I have fallen for him completely. I've never been much of a dog lover but having Rowdy has softened my heart towards these sweet animals. So much so that I had to have another one. A month ago I brought home a sweet little Morkie. Rocky is his name. I can't imagine losing either one so I know what you must be going through. Hopefully, time will help you heal.

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  36. Tanner will always be with you...
    Thinking of you and sending hugs.

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  37. kim, when dad died i looked for signs too. and got them. your beautiful tanner is with you in all of the signs. i loved the fact that the fox stared for a moment. mine did that too. nuggie is getting so white and when i read your post i think of him....there will be a day i will be in your shoes. take care and it is so nice to know that your blogger and fb friends give you comfort.

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  38. What a sweet face,he was clearly deeply loved & had a fine life with you if only a short time.It`s wonderful you give these dogs forever homes,God bless you,phyllis

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  39. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

    There will be signs..there ARE signs..and I'm sure u will find them and feel Tanner's love in your heart which will heal you...

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  40. In time you will be able to smile with all the memories of happiness that Tanner has given you. Have a great weekend Kim.

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  41. The goose honking is very significant...I had a 'bird' moment many years ago when a friend passed...I knew instantly she had passed...it was for the best. So, remember Tanner as being a bright light.

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  42. It's so difficult, isn't it - to feel comfortable with the loss and to know that the loss is permanent. Please know that my heart is with you and that I know your pain and your sorrow. Our memories keep the love inside and keep the love alive. As long as we have that - we have the key...

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  43. Oh, Kim, you made me cry all over again. Tanner is OK and will live in your heart forever as you will in his, of that I'm sure.--Inger

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  44. Kim you write so beautifully and from the heart it fills my eyes with tears. After reading your post I went right to my Mabel to hug and hug her. She just looked at me a little confused at my sadness but so lovingly with her brown eyes. I know she loves me just as I know Tanner loved you. Thinking of you and hoping that the love between you and your Golden family members helps to mend your broken heart.

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  45. You know the answers to your questions!

    I know KT was stepping around and over Lady even after she had crossed -

    Thanks for sharing your observations!

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Speak--I really enjoy your comments! Thanks for stopping by today!!