Maguire & Making Up My Mind...

I don't know exactly where to start with my update on Maguire. I think the best place is with a thank-you to everyone because I have really felt peace from what I know are prayers being said in our behalf.

Last Saturday I really felt like it was okay to let Maguire go. When we took him out of the wheelchair and I saw his swollen leg, and he had a loss of appetite, I felt like that was the sign I was looking for and there seemed to be a feeling of peace about it all. I had previously made a "tentative" appointment with the vet to bring him in on Monday. But on Sunday afternoon, Maguire's demeanor changed and a spark returned. The swelling in his leg had gone down, he had an appetite, he also started wagging his tail, and even catching treats that were thrown in his direction. He was doing everything but standing up, which he was and is trying to do. I canceled Monday's appointment to give it a few more days. Because my vet doesn't work everyday at this particular office, I made another tentative appointment for Wednesday evening that I canceled for the same reasons and have made another one for this Saturday morning...

Maguire is still unable to stand on his own--Believe me, we have tried many, many times to get him to walk on his own. We are carrying him outside for everything, and he's spending the rest of the time on an orthopedic dog bed. I'm waking about every 2 hours during the night to change his position because he starts to whine. I know very well that this isn't a good quality of life; it's actually not much of a life at all. I am by no means an expert on when to put a dog down. However, with all but one of the Goldens we have lost, I have seen the look in their eyes or felt a tired spirit that told me without a doubt that their time on this earth was over and it was time to let go. I don't see that in Maguire's eyes or feel that he's tired. All I see is the brightness and spark that's always been there.

However, the last few days I keep remembering one of our first senior Goldens that we had named Cougar. We had him just about a year when we had to put him down. He'd been diagnosed with bone cancer a few months after he came to us--It was too late to do anything about it by the time it was discovered. But I remember when the cancer was at its height and he was in so much pain, Cougar still ate all of his meals, wagged his tail, and he held a tennis ball in his mouth, and above all, he had a spark in his eyes. We had the choice then to let him stay, or let him go. I decided to make the choice and let Cougar go, even though I thought he wasn't ready. But looking back at it, I think that spark and light in Cougar's eyes was his way of showing me that he trusted me, and he was giving me the reassurance that it was "okay." In my heart I feel that Maguire may be telling me the same thing. I just hope I can let go of the new doubts I have and find the needed strength and courage to do what's best...