A mostly sleepless night as I have been awake for most of it, playing the scenario of the past day over and over in my mind. The scenes from my vet's office as I watched them work to try and save my precious CarrieAnne. Several times she looked at me as I told her to hang on. The feelings that are still with me when I was told there was nothing more they could do. No time for goodbye. The dizzying numbness and heartbreak as Carrie silently slipped away. My soul begging God to please spare her. The moment and feeling of helplessness trying grasp what was happening and to understand. The feeling of heartbreak and despair takes over. Then my mind goes back to the start of the day. Carrie was happy as we began our day. I took her to the vet's office and kissed her goodbye. She didn't want to go with the technician, but she was always shy that way. Off to work, but a nagging deep inside stays with me. The call from the surgeon telling me all had seemed to go as planned. However the mast-cell tumor was larger than they'd expected, was more complicated to remove than they'd hoped. Carrie had awakened from surgery and was doing okay. Someone had sat with her most of the afternoon. She was alert and "okay." A time was set for me to come and get her. Despite the news, the uneasiness stayed with me. Something about it wasn't right. I left work earlier than planned, for whatever reason, I wanted to just go to the office and wait until it was time for her to go home. On my way a call from the vet asking me to come earlier, CarrieAnne wasn't doing well. She had suddenly developed a fever and was having problems breathing. The feeling I'd had all day literally takes over. I couldn't get there fast enough. Was that feeling I'd been having for days just my typical worrying, or was it an omen telling me what was to come? I think it was both. The loss of CarrieAnne is truly a devastating loss.
CarrieAnne was our pack leader and had been part of our home since June of 2003. She was a canine-sister to Sheba, respected by Todd and the others. CarrieAnne was very shy by nature, but when she wasn't afraid, she was a delightful, affectionate playful companion that was always happy, always wagging her tail. Always leaning into me when I would pet her. Her big round gray brown eyes always looking at me for reassurance and security. I've never shared her story of rescue here on my blog, and at some point, I will write it. It needs to be told and remembered here. But today is a day for mourning her loss. CarrieAnne will be and is greatly missed.
God-speed my little CarrieAnne, my little cutie-pie, my little muffin. You taught me so much, about trust and about finding joy and happiness despite being afraid. At the Rainbow Bridge, there is no fear, and you'll be met by so many who have gone before you, including your sister Lucy who left us so many years ago. Let them all know we remember them, and that like you, they are missed, and that we look forward to the day when we will see you again.