A Candle For Maguire--But No Time to Grieve

When we started fostering the senior Goldens for the rescue almost 7 years ago, I knew that our time with them would be limited. But I felt strongly that these dogs that had been dealt a bad hand at the end of their lives, and who had so much wisdom, dignity and courage, should have a place to live out whatever time they had left, and leave this life with someone who truly cared about them. These Goldens have broken my heart when they left us. But I have never looked back and regretted for a moment taking in any of them, in fact, if given the chance, I would do it all over again. I feel that we have been given an extraordinary gift to love and be loved unconditionally in return. Maguire was no exception. I have no regrets in opening my heart and our home to him just a year and-a-half ago. While I've no idea what his life was like before he came to us, how old he was, or what his name had been, I know that the last part of his life, was one where he was cared for and loved. Letting him go today was a difficult choice. It was a lonely journey at times trying to decide what was best. But today, as I looked into Maguire's eyes and saw that love and the trust, my doubts left me, and I knew we had made the right choice and the best choice. I know that Maguire is now in a place where he can enjoy those things that he was no longer able to in this life. I have a candle lit to help him find his way, and I so hope he was met by our Goldens, Tod, Ben, Cougar, Tosh, Tucker, Scout, Kasey, Logan, Cubby and Cowboy and he has given them our message.

We left the vets office and decided to have a light lunch. As we sat there with Maguire's collar on the table, our waiter politely asked us about it. When we told him, he joined us in a toast to Maguire and our memories. Carl and I then had our lunch and recounted stories of him and the others that have gone before him.

We were feeling a bit uplifted although worn out and tired, and I was so looking forward to getting home and spending time with our other dogs. But it was not meant to be. When we got home, we found that one of the dogs had gotten sick several times while we were gone. We quickly realized it was Tanner, (our 13 year old Golden who was treated for glaucoma) and he was having difficulties standing and his eyes were moving side-to-side . Having had this happen with another senior Golden, I knew it was Geriatric Vestibular Syndrome. Off to the Animal Emergency Room. But not before I was stopped for speeding by one of Loudoun County's finest police officers...I quickly explained what my day had been and I opened the door to my van and showed him Tanner; I was off with a warning. I will spare you the details of my visit to the animal ER, and just say that Tanner is resting and has been given medications. It's hard to trust a vet that you've never met, but I am hoping and praying that we are on the right track and Tanner will be okay. How much more can my old and broken heart take?


Godspeed Maguire, my big handsome boy...

Maguire & Making Up My Mind...

I don't know exactly where to start with my update on Maguire. I think the best place is with a thank-you to everyone because I have really felt peace from what I know are prayers being said in our behalf.

Last Saturday I really felt like it was okay to let Maguire go. When we took him out of the wheelchair and I saw his swollen leg, and he had a loss of appetite, I felt like that was the sign I was looking for and there seemed to be a feeling of peace about it all. I had previously made a "tentative" appointment with the vet to bring him in on Monday. But on Sunday afternoon, Maguire's demeanor changed and a spark returned. The swelling in his leg had gone down, he had an appetite, he also started wagging his tail, and even catching treats that were thrown in his direction. He was doing everything but standing up, which he was and is trying to do. I canceled Monday's appointment to give it a few more days. Because my vet doesn't work everyday at this particular office, I made another tentative appointment for Wednesday evening that I canceled for the same reasons and have made another one for this Saturday morning...

Maguire is still unable to stand on his own--Believe me, we have tried many, many times to get him to walk on his own. We are carrying him outside for everything, and he's spending the rest of the time on an orthopedic dog bed. I'm waking about every 2 hours during the night to change his position because he starts to whine. I know very well that this isn't a good quality of life; it's actually not much of a life at all. I am by no means an expert on when to put a dog down. However, with all but one of the Goldens we have lost, I have seen the look in their eyes or felt a tired spirit that told me without a doubt that their time on this earth was over and it was time to let go. I don't see that in Maguire's eyes or feel that he's tired. All I see is the brightness and spark that's always been there.

However, the last few days I keep remembering one of our first senior Goldens that we had named Cougar. We had him just about a year when we had to put him down. He'd been diagnosed with bone cancer a few months after he came to us--It was too late to do anything about it by the time it was discovered. But I remember when the cancer was at its height and he was in so much pain, Cougar still ate all of his meals, wagged his tail, and he held a tennis ball in his mouth, and above all, he had a spark in his eyes. We had the choice then to let him stay, or let him go. I decided to make the choice and let Cougar go, even though I thought he wasn't ready. But looking back at it, I think that spark and light in Cougar's eyes was his way of showing me that he trusted me, and he was giving me the reassurance that it was "okay." In my heart I feel that Maguire may be telling me the same thing. I just hope I can let go of the new doubts I have and find the needed strength and courage to do what's best...

Feel Good Moments from Saturday

More than anything, I wish the news for Maguire was better. There's not been any improvement. I think we've even lost a little bit of ground. I can tell that the dogs are also feeling our stress too. Yesterday there was an unusual fight between CarrieAnne and Sheba over who knows what. We never have dog-fights; the two of them are pals and have great fun and adventures together. They are also the most "high spirited and high strung" in the group, next to Charlie of course. I just think they were feeling the tension.

On Saturday I tried to look for and found some "feel good moments for the day." I did find some, and here are a few of them...

To start, I went to a shop and found this little character for my garden. Something about him appealed to me. I think because it made me think of a saying that I love, "It is said it will happen when pigs fly."

I drove past our old house and took this picture. Ours was the one on the end. It made me feel good that we're no longer living here with all the dogs in a townhouse that we had out grown.

I then drove up the street to what we used to call "the forbidden field" because of the sign on the gate. It's a fenced in ball field where we used to love to bring the dogs because they could safely run off lead. We had ten years of fun and good times there!
When I got home we found this little fellow in the yard.
Later we found this little tike literally on our door. I had to grin because it had dog-hair stuck to it. But then everything around here has dog hair on it.
He wasn't really that big...
Of course my best "feel good moment" is being able to have Maguire with us. Yesterday I used my last bit of hope and we decided to tackle putting him in the wheelchair again. It didn't work. For some reason, he just doesn't want to stand up in it, or hardly at all for that matter. When we were taking him out of it, I noticed that one of his back legs is swollen. I've no idea what that means, but I think it's another indication that he's not going recover. Someone commented and my vet as well "mentioned quality of life." Maguire is a dog that always loves to go for walks and roll in the grass. He's a dog that doesn't give up new stuffed toys to any of the other dogs. He's a dog that at mealtime gets his most excited. He's no longer doing any of that or enjoying any of those simple things. We know the time is very close to let him go to a place where he can enjoy those things again and wait for us. These decisions as you all well know, do not come quickly and are not made easily. But there seems to be a new found peace and calm around us and in my heart. I think it's what I've been looking and waiting for.

If you have a moment, and would like to read

Maguire's story of rescue, here is the link:

http://lifeatgoldenpines.blogspot.com/2010/01/dog-dilemma.html

Discouragement and Hope

Its been quite a week. While I've tried to maintain the "positive energy" around our house, the discouragement and emotions I feel about Maguire are very near the surface and sometimes can't help but come out.

There are times when Maguire seems to be happy. I'll look at him and see that spark in his eyes and a smile and feel that he's okay. But then there are other times that I'm looking for something from him, a sign that all is well and from him, I get nothing.

Despite this I try very hard to have hope and look for the positive...

Maguire is not able to stand or walk on his own...Maybe it will just takes some more time for the medications to work.

Despite being such a chow-hound he's not got much of an appetite...Maybe it's just the medications taking away Maguire's love for a meal.

Walking him with the rear-end-sling is really difficult and he almost always collapse onto the ground. I even borrowed a wheelchair for him thinking that would help, and he again tumbled into a heap...Maybe walking with the sling is too much weight shifted to his front-legs and maybe he needs time to get used to the wheelchair.

So what does all this mean? Am I grasping at straws and not seeing what some of you may see so clearly? Right now there's so much uncertainty and the seeds of doubt easily arise about where our journey together is going and I wonder if we are on the right path. There's a huge part of me that's so desperately hanging onto Maguire and doesn't want to let him go, and I wonder if it's time and I should.

But then I remember that when it's time to decide anything the storms of doubt in my heart will be replaced with peace and the answers as to the direction to take will be clear. But for tonight there's no need to think about any of that. Maguire is sleeping near by and we're together; there is calm.

A Peony and an Iris bloomed for the first time today...Where flowers bloom so does hope.

A Manic Monday!

I don't know where to start with the events of my day. I took the day off work and got Maguire to the vet (where this photo was taken). After an extensive exam I was given several scenarios of what could be causing his almost complete loss of the use of his back legs. It included several options to pin point exactly what it is could be which range all the way to seeing a neurologist for a possible MRI. There's the thought that it could be a slipped disc in his back, degenerative myelopathy, or even recurrence of lyme disease that he was treated for when he came into the rescue last year. It was a lot to think about, but for now I've opted for a conservative approach with medications and hope (and pray) that this direction will be effective enough to get him back on his feet.

When I got home I managed to get Maguire inside and let the other dogs out. I was a bit preoccupied and didn't watch which dogs I allowed to be outside the fence off lead--The next thing I saw was Sam rounding the corner and out of sight. I ran after him (interestingly enough Hamlet was behind me) but Sam was too fast and was quickly gaining distance from me. My calling to him with words like "wait, stay, come here, lets get a cookie" all fell on the deaf ears of a renegade that only looked over his shoulder and kept going towards the road. I quickly got the other dogs inside and got my keys to chase him down in my van. I have to mention that during this time Rudi was with Sam. I backed out of the garage almost hitting Wendy (YIKES!) and once down on the road I could see Rudi down the road on the shoulder. When I drove towards her I noticed that she would disappear for a moment and reappear again. I quickly realized what she was doing was telling me where Sam was. Out of breath and nearly hoarse I managed to get his attention by shaking the treat jar that I'd grabbed, he came over to get one and I grabbed him!! YAY!!! I loaded both dogs into my van and returned home, praising Rudi and letting her help herself to as many treats as she wanted!

I would have liked this whole episode to end at that but....When I got back home with Rudi & Sam, I left my van parked outside and got the two inside. I was having problems breathing (I have asthma) and it took several minutes for me to stop coughing and catch my breath. About a half-hour later I heard barking outside and realized it was Carrie Anne, she was inside the van with the windows up!!! In my rush I remembered seeing her in the van sitting on the backseat and have to admit that in trying to hold onto Sam, I totally forgot about her and shut her inside. I'm so thankful that it was not a terribly hot day; I would have had an awful disaster!!

I counted the dogs several times, said many prayers of thanks, officially bestowed the honor of "Hero!!" on Rudi gave out more treats and we all took a nap.

I don't know what the days ahead will bring for Maguire. But for now I'm thankful that he's sleeping peacefully and all is quiet at Golden Pines. Thank-you all for your concern and well wishes Maguire; he and I are both very grateful for them!

My Heart is Not Ready

"There is sorrow enough in the natural way

From men and women to fill our day;

And when we are certain of sorrow in store,

Why do we always arrange for more?

Brothers and Sisters, I bid you beware

Of giving your heart to a dog to tear..."

This is the first verse of a poem written by Rudyard Kipling, titled "The Power of the Dog." And this verse has been tumbling around in my head practically all day.

Our senior Golden Maguire is not doing well. He's not able to stand up. When I get him to his feet, his back toes are curling under, not allowing him to stand. With Carl working until late tonight I've managed to get him outside, but it's not been easy because he's a big, stocky Golden weighing over 80 pounds. I can tell that Maguire is in pain. But I'm hoping that the return of cold weather has just caused a flare up of arthritis in his hips and with some medications by morning maybe he'll feel better, and I will too.

Our sweet senior Golden Cowboy just left us in March and I'm not ready to have my heart torn and broken again.

Say it Ain't Snow!!

The weather report for Tuesday says 5-10 more inches of snow is on the way. I think the look on Maguire's face on Saturday pretty much says how I'm feeling about it all too.

The Game of Fate

I believe in wishing on a falling star, heaven, dreams, and karma. What some call coincidence, destiny and kismet I really believe is fate when lives "accidentally" collide and change forever. I think this is what has happened to me so many times in my life. Over the last several months I've been trying to move in the direction of not being involved in the Golden Retriever Rescue. I've spent 10 years volunteering with them, and 4 of those years were as its president. But my life is changing, the rescue is changing, and I really feel that it's time for me to make my exit. Its truly been a life changing experience for us. I tell everyone that "rescue has broken my heart and touched my soul." Of course we will always support the effort of rescue. I would never turn my back on a dog (or any other animal) that needed help or needed someone.

Having said that, it of course goes without saying that I feel a responsibility to find homes for our two foster boys, Maguire, and Hamlet. Some of you may recall Hamlet's story. Pictured in this paragraph, he is about 12-13 years old, and was left behind in the garage of a home that had been foreclosed on. Left without food or water he was very ill and unable to stand when I first saw him. I was asked if I could "just" pick him up and take him to a vets office where he could receive overnight care. This is where fate unexpectedly showed up. I just "happened" to be going over to where Hamlet was and where he needed to be taken was on my way home...Even my adamancy or determination to not take another foster dog could trump the card that fate had dealt. I was instantly smitten with Hamlet, and it didn't take long to decide that he had a place as a permanent member of our household.

Which brings me to Maguire...For some reason, he has been a bit more complicated. I've appreciated everyone's vote and support for him to remain with us. I've been under pressure lately with the rescue to find a home for him. They have helped in this effort by highlighting him on the website and featured him in the latest issue of the newsletter. Then you'll remember that couple in DC that applied to adopt from the rescue with Maguire specifically in mind. Well, their home-visit was completed this week and they have changed their mind about him because of his age--Fate quietly dealt me another card...Today I had Maguire at the vet for his yearly exam and he didn't want to leave my side to be taken for blood-work. When the vet-tech returned, Maguire couldn't get back to me fast enough. I don't really know "Tracy" that well but she joked that he was really attached to me, and asked if I was going to keep him--Was Fate, the dealer, asking me if I needed yet another card?

After the vet visit, Maguire and I drove to Wendy's and shared a cheeseburger and fries (I didn't share the Diet Coke!) and as I looked into Maguire's sweet-brown eyes, I told him what you and he have probably known all along, and that's that he would be staying with us. Fate has dealt me enough cards! I know that there are some that say I am "not playing with a full deck" and while I don't know if this is true or not, what I do know without a doubt, is that I am holding a full-house!

A Dog-Dilemma

In January of last year I picked up a new foster dog named Maguire, who is about 12 years old. He was an un-neutered boy that came in as a stray to a shelter about 2 hours from where I live. He had a tennis ball size cyst on his neck that had ruptured and it was of course infected. I have to say, I've never seen anything like it, and neither had my vet!! If you are curious and have a strong stomach, and want to see what it looked like, here's a link to the shelter's website that still has pictures of Maguire on it and shows the cyst--scroll down to the bottom of their page for the photos, and you can click on them for a "better view."


http://www.humanecampbell.rescuegroups.com/animals/detail?AnimalID=1166033

Of course because of the size its removal required extensive and reconstructive surgery of his neck. When it was all done, Maguire had staples from ear to ear and I'm not kidding, it looked like a zipper! After several months of recovery, he was as good as new!

Maguire was posted on the rescues website to try and find a new forever home for him. He's a gentle, easy going and quiet Golden, that is a very comforting companion. He's not playful, despite our best efforts to get him interested in a tennis ball, rope, etc.. Maguire really just wants to be by your side. He doesn't bark much (just when we get ready to feed him, he'll woof a time or two) but he quietly, and I mean quietly wags his tail; there's no jumping on you when you come home, or getting crazy and excited. He's just laid back and just takes life very slow and easy. I don't think he'd ever been in a house prior to coming to us, so of course we've taught him everything that he needs to know about treats, and he's learned about warm dog beds, (the down-filled dog bed is his favorite!) and from the other dogs he's learned about ripping up soft-toys and what look to give you when he wants a nibble of what we're eating.

It goes without saying that I think Maguire is wonderful and Carl and I both adore him! But I've not had many calls about him--Actually, we've had only 2-3 in the last 9 months that he's been available for adoption. Right now there is a couple in Washington DC that has applied for approval for adoption from the rescue, because they are specifically interested in Maguire. Of course I know they may not be a fit for him, but it does bring up a dilemma and all of my emotions...

Right now we are approaching a year that he's been with us. I've been on the fence for a few months about just adopting him and making him a permanent member of our family. I think he's genuinely happy and settled in here. He follows me all over the house, and he gets along very well with the other dogs. However I ask myself if I'm being selfish to want to keep him for myself--Maybe he needs a place where he can be more of a "star" and not just part of the whole cast of characters in our household--I am really torn...But this morning before I got up, he was standing by the bed quietly wagging his tail and looking at me with those sweet soulful eyes...As I gave him a hug he gave me a tiny lick on my face--Of course my heart melted and I wondered "how can I turn Maguire over to another family and walk away from him?"